I assumed this assignment would be the easiest since it gave me the opportunity to write about any experience I have, but I found that choosing something that happened to me in my personal life opposed to the projects assigned for the class is a little harder to write about. I guess this is because I don’t like giving out too much information about myself online, but want to share an experience where I really think communicating via e-mail caused more harm than good. After reading Chapter 8 this week in Wood & Smith, I realize the vast numbers of people who are connected to the internet and wonder how many instances of miscommunication there happen on a daily basis. How often are friendships ruined? Words taken out of context? E-mail’s sent to the wrong person by mistake? My own experience reflects on why sometimes the internet gives us the ability to talk to people, who may not want to hear from you…
A few weeks ago I logged onto my Myspace account, something I rarely ever do any longer since I became obsessed with Facebook, but I decided to poke around a little and see what I could find. What I found was my ex-boyfriend’s profile which made me start thinking about mending fences and doing something I had wanted to do for years…saying sorry. Yes, I know, it may seem corny and dumb to many…I am a person who lives for today and for the future, but I am also someone who can reflect on my past and realize the mistakes I have made and this is one that stands out in my mind as a time when I treated someone poorly and for that I truly feel bad. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel bad because I think the decision for us to break up was a bad one and I want to get back together with him…I have been happily married for nearly 9 years and have three children I adore, but I just wanted to say hello and apologize for how I treated him. Before anything, I talked to my husband and make sure this wouldn’t upset him and being the easygoing and trusting husband he is, he told me to go ahead, although he did warn he wasn’t sure it would be well received. I should have listened to his advice!
I won’t go into many details about the relationship, but this ex (I will call him Brandon) and I were very good friends for years before we started dating, we dated for about a year before I realized that he was a wonderful friend, but we just didn’t have enough in common to stay together and broke up. Like all breakups, even though we had promised to remain friends, he ended up hating me for dating someone he was friends with (whom I ended up marrying) and we never spoke again. This all happened almost 10 years ago, so I assumed that it was all water under the bridge, that it had been long enough past that hard feelings were gone and we had moved on…
I sent a message to Brandon on Myspace, it was a very short message saying hello, asking about him and apologizing for what I had done in the past. I told him that I would understand if he didn’t want to write back, but I was hoping we could put all of that in the past and find out how life was treating him, afterall, we had been friends for a long time before everything happened. I received a response the next day, but honestly it didn’t say very much…just that he was having a good life and we were young and stupid and the past is the past. I took this as an opening to write back, which I did just to tell him I was happy for him and glad things worked out well in his life. I thought that would be the end of the correspondence, I didn’t want much else, I had just wanted to say hello after all of the years so if we did run into each other it wouldn’t be awkward. BUT, I received another response and this one wasn’t as nice, telling me how it was wrong of me to write after all of these years and how what I did was terrible and how I probably never even felt sorry for it! I was shocked since the entire purpose of the letter was to show him that I do feel bad…needless to say, I decided it was best not to respond and to leave things alone.
I think this situation show miscommunication on many parts. First, he obviously did not take my apology seriously which makes me think that sending him a message probably was not the best way to do this. I think if we had met face to face, maybe he would have been able to see in my expression and hear in my voice how sincere I really was and maybe have had another reaction to my words. Second, I misunderstood Brandon’s first message, thinking he was opening up the lines of communication for us to talk again when he obviously was not, so somewhere in his message he conveyed to me that he wasn’t angry and was able to leave things in the past and move on. I’m sure if we had met in person, I would have been able to tell that he was still angry and not attempt to initiate any more conversation like I ended up doing through online communication. Third, I think I felt a sense of security knowing I was communicating with him online. I wonder if I had seen him walking down the street, if I would have had the courage to walk up and say the same things or if I would have walked the other way, being too embarrassed of the situation? Maybe some things are best left unsaid.
While the internet can be a great way to connect with people who you haven't seen in years, I think you're right in that it opens the lines for a lot of unwanted communication. It can be really hard to deal with unwanted communication, especially because many of us feel the need to still be civilized, especially if it leaks over to the "real" world. For example, I once had somewhat of a relationship (we weren't dating but he sure acted like we were)with a guy online. However, he began getting really jealous and angry about every guy I interacted with, and began makes comments that scared me enough to make me seriously consider a restraining order. I finally had to break off all communication with him, and tell him I didn't want to speak with or see him again. Unfortunately, I moved to the same town as him about 3 years ago, where he worked at a grocery store 4 blocks from my home. While I avoided that store as much as possible, I ocassionally had to go there. Almost everytime I did, he would try to strike up a conversation with me in which he'd ask things like where I lived, and would put down my current boyfriend. He always seemed to misinterpret what I was saying (both verbally and nonverbally) to the point that he never understood I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, nor would I ever forgive for what he did/said. However, because most of this took place in the "real" world, I always felt that I had to be civilized with him. If seeing him at the store was not enough, he also tries to be friends online and chat with me there.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things came to mind after I read your post. After ten years of separation you felt adequate time had passed and communication could be initiated via email. Although your plan backfired it is important to note how online communication, or various CMC methods, allow us to prepare our statements or message for the receiver. It can be a safe way to communicate and be more comfortable than seeing the person face-to-face, whether expected or unexpected. However, we do lose the ability to inflect or pickup non-verbal cues that exist in immediate forms of communication and this is likely one reason your message may not have been received correctly. I wonder what would have happened if you unexpectedly ran into your ex and had the courage to make the apology face-to-face.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your candor. That's very cool of you to open up with a story like that as the lesson has such personal value (meaning: it's relevant to every person reading it.)
ReplyDeleteWith priming compliments established, I'll point out that it isn't an especially comforting thought. [Chelsea writes politely in sincerity, but jest.] Blithely commenting here and there, and passing e-mails without a second glance is the easy thing to do, but can clearly backfire just as quickly. You've made me consider (or worry a bit) about how often my own words are misread and how that contributes to others' understanding of me.
Those are the moments when we "open the flood gates" so to speak. I had a similar experience on Facebook. I had a friend in high school that was amazing, she and I were super close. Well the "cool" girl in school decided she wanted to hang out with me but did not like my friend. Being the young immature jerk that I was I ditched my good friend to the cool one. Well of course cool girl got sick of me within a day and I tried to go back to my old friend. she was so angry with me there was no reparation. So this last month I found her on facebook. I realized that she was the one person I really hurt in my life so I wanted to apologize. So I sent her a friend notice and worse than yelling or anything....she did not reply!
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